Looking For Watermelon And Fried Chicken At My Local Safeway

By Victor J. Ward

To all non-black Libertarians and Private Property Society Proponents, this post is 100% serious and 100% a joke.

You say that something cannot be 100% both ways? I beg to differ, especially in a world where Fascists are Anti-Fascists; Math is racist; and parents give drugs to young boys because the young boys believe they are young girls.

Follow the science.

The other day, I was shopping in my local Safeway. My mask was on my face, but below my nose. No one said anything to me. No one even looked at me, that is until I was walking the wrong way down an aisle. In the Safeway where I shop, there are arrows on the ground telling you which way you should walk, whether you should go up the aisle or down the aisle. How we ever lived without such handholding is a mystery to me.

I was going against the arrow, and one of the Safeway workers was going the correct way. He looked at me and said, “Hello.”

Now, I thought he was looking at me a little bit funny. Maybe or maybe not. Maybe it was because my mask was below my nose. Maybe it was because I was walking the wrong way. Maybe he just had to go to the bathroom. Who knows?

In any event, he did not say anything to me other than the cordial greeting.

I wondered: Did he not say anything about my mask because I was black? Did he remember when I loudly complained a couple of months ago because I had to mask my son? Was he scared or intimidated of me?

I then realized that I had been leaving money on society’s cultural table.

I am a black man, which means that I have a great likelihood of having hypertension.

I also have asthma.

I am also morbidly obese, despite the fact that I have lost 28 pounds (and counting). (Low carb/High fat, in case anyone is wondering.)

I was pre-diabetic, and that was 6 years ago, before I got even more out of shape.

I have four of the worst comorbidities for the dreaded Covid. Covid wants me, and it wants me bad.

So, if there is anyone who should want to wear a mask and wear it properly and insist on others wearing a mask, it should be me.

While I was shopping, I played out how I would answer someone who may confront me about my improper masking:

Big government idiot: “Excuse me, but you are not properly wearing your mask. Please fix it or leave the store."

Me, in my most “the evil white man has oppressed me and kept me down because of systemic and historical racism” voice: “Sir/Ma’am, I am sorry that I am not wearing the mask correctly. But, I am a black asthmatic, who has hypertension, is morbidly obese, and is pre-diabetic. Don’t you think that if I could breathe properly with a mask on, I would? I run the risk of dying with, from, by, and in Covid. I run this risk every day, just stepping out of the house. Not only are people racists, but Covid seems to be racist as well. Doesn’t my life matter to you?”

You have to admit that in this day and age, I could get away with almost anything — even murder, if I lived in Chicago (or Detroit, or Los Angeles, or Oakland, or Compton, or Flint, or Seattle, or Portland, or Atlanta, or New York, or New Jersey, etc).

Therefore, I started to wonder: How else could I take advantage of this situation?

If someone wants to buy the startup that I work for, could I add one or two more zeroes by playing the “hypertension, asthmatic, pre-diabetic, morbidly obese black guy” card? Hey, everyone, I am a “HAPDMOBG.” Give me lots of money!

Can I drive over the speed limit because I am worried about Covid in my car because I am a HAPDMOBG? Covid can get you in the car, right? This must be true because I constantly see all these people wearing masks while they drive.

Can I skip long lines because Covid is looking for me, just like it looks for all HAPDMOBGs?

Here is where I need help: How else can I get over?

Sure, I know that life might suck for you right now, but this is my chance. Affirmative Actions, Reparations, and now a victim class all to myself.

Intersectionalityyyyyyyy!!!!!!!

2020 has been a great year.

#HAPDMOBGlivesmatter.

Victor J. Ward  first came across libertarianism by reading Murray Rothbard's Ronald Reagan: An Autopsy and Walter Block's Defending the Undefendable. He holds a law degree from the University of California, Hastings College of the Law and an MBA from Santa Clara University.