The Ferguson Interview That Never Happened

By Chris Rossini

Lucy Statist: "Hello America, this is Lucy Statist of WGOV 4U News, and we are reporting LIVE from Ferguson MO, just after the riots of last night. We've just located a business owner who seems to be standing in front of his burned down shop. Let's go see if he'll give us a few comments.

Excuse me sir? Is this your business?"

Ben Dover: "It was."

Lucy Statist: "Yeah, it's pretty much gone, isn't it? Let me ask you, were there any police protecting your business last night?"

Ben Dover: "It's a pile of rubble. Do you think police were here to stop it?"

Lucy Statist: "Interesting. So no police. Let me ask you this Mr. Dover, did your business pay taxes?"

Ben Dover: "If you knew what my business paid in taxes each year, you'd vomit all over this rubble."

Lucy Statist: "Ok so lots of taxes. Got it. Next question: Do you think if you were here last night, the police would have helped you?"

Ben Dover: "I doubt it. Did you see the rest of the city? I would have been on my own."

Lucy Statist: "Ok. Interesting. And I'll assume that you pay personal taxes as well."

Ben Dover: "Lady it seems like every move we make is taxed. I wouldn't be surprised if the conversation we're having right now has some kind of tax on it."

Lucy Statist: "Ok...now this is a story. So your business pays 'vomit-worthy' taxes, and obviously it's now a pile of rubble, and you also pay personal taxes, and think you would have been a goner had you been here last night.

Where were the police?

Ben Dover: "I don't know. But I do know that the police station and government buildings were heavily protected. They don't look like my business, or what used to be my business."

Lucy Statist: "Do you think you'll get your taxes back Mr. Dover?"

Ben Dover: "What kind of stupid question is that?"

Lucy Statist: "Ok...I understand you're upset. Thank you for your time Mr. Dover, and so sorry for your hardship."

This is Lucy Statist reporting from....I'm sorry, let's cut away right now: President Obama would now like to call for peace.

Are we off?

Ok good.

If I step in one more pot-hole.....Can you believe these roads?

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Chris Rossini is author of Set Money Free: What Every American Needs To Know About The Federal Reserve. Follow @chrisrossini on Twitter.